Heart Sinking

There’s a blissful sinking when I recall all the peaceful moments I’ve acquired with people that are no longer present in my day to day.

Often people come to me and express sadness for those they have recently lost. I try to tell them that the memories they hold are theirs alone. Even if you are quickly replaced, the first touch of hands, the breaths of air when you find yourself awake next to them are always yours. Never to be replicated exactly the same again.

Often, I trip over simple recollections that appear like raised pavement on a daily commute. My arms grow limp and heavy against the weight of my ever present solitude and I wonder if I can ever really remedy it. Maybe I’m too stubborn and set in this. I feel this oneness as you would an echo in an empty room. At times, I can’t imagine giving up the feeling of waves against my skin. Afraid that if another stood next to me that I wouldn’t feel it anymore. The pang of longing for something or someone that comes with a few glasses of wine. That seems like such a profound feeling and I almost revel in it. It’s the closest to enlightenment I’ve ever been.

Nomad

Tried to fall asleep about an hour ago and after a few minutes, sat straight up in a panic. Trying to regain a grasp on things isn’t easy when confronted with the fact that you’ve never had a real handle on anything to begin with.

I’m told that at this point everyone’s hurting in some form or another in this economy and can’t help but wonder if it’s really about money for me at all. I’ve held two jobs in my life and kept them til I had no real choice but to move on. In my current state, I have no real mind to be particular about employment, nor have I ever really have been. What concerns me is my time.

I turn 24 in less than a month and can’t help but feel somewhat apprehensive about the idea. Many my age have so much to show for their time and effort. I have always been shiftless and reluctant to change pace and notice it more and more everyday. As I do my best to plan my jump from yet another sinking ship, I wonder how many times I’ll have to do this. Ray and I resolved that it would be best for everyone if we all lived in the same state if for no other reason than to eliminate my living situation with my mother. I am happy at the potential prospect of having a familiar face around but I’m starting to really get resentful that it seems impossible for me to live on my own. Should everyone just resign themselves to the decisions that led to the downfalls in their lives and shrug it off or should one fight against the tide?

Everything seems like such a fierce fight for survival. Quite literally, actually. All I’ve ever wanted was to just exist for a time. I see people do it everyday. Poor people with children,  millionaires, single people. All moving freely through the crowd. My freedom has always been in my head, but it isn’t enough anymore. My heart is heavy and my soul actually aches. I can’t tell if I actually believe it’s going to get better anymore. That realization was the biggest blow. I have never seen what better looks like. It has always been this bad, worse at times. I’ve just exhausted my optimism to such a point that I’m actually noticing now.

All in all, there is nothing I can do but go forward. I’m out of options and have no choice but to pave a path away from yet another place. If I believed in God I would pray. I guess listening to some Joy Division until I fall asleep will have to do.

Monsoons

Witnessing the grief of others is the only real grief I’ve ever felt. While there have been events that have had a semblance of being mine, they have always flowed alongside of me rather than through me. I feel the dampness on my skin an reach out, but it never touches me. The inertia of it is devastating.

During the desert monsoons, you can see the rain in the distance. Sometimes only a block away. The air is thick and the cool of it is a relief. A sheet of clouds and precipitation divides the sky down to its recipients. Lighting blazes illuminating the vast, dark landscape, like a millisecond of daylight.

When the rain falls on my shoulders I hardly feel it. It may as well be flowing from my skin to the heavens. The tears cried on my neck are never mine and are foreign visitors to my landscape. Always originating from a block away. I do my best to appease and almost always succeed. Kissed away the thought of the one she would always want more than me, if only for the moment. Rolling his huge frame off of the gravel while he was dowsed in the tears I still don’t understand. Allowing them the farce that it couldn’t have been helped. Only it isn’t a farce to them. Only to someone like me.

I see the storm but I can’t stop it. And worse, I feel nothing.

I committed everything to memory because I knew you’d never stay
I write it in hopes the words evolve into your form
They never do, but I’ll keep trying…

Often I’m left wandering around. As always, wondering. Disoriented, jangled around. I wonder sometimes if all this change has presented any worthwhile effects. The kids seem to provide that assurance but I feel numb to the changes. I have nothing to claim as my own aside from my children and I could never consider them as such. I feel bestowed the opportunity to guide them, never as an owner.

I just don’t want to feel as if my own existence is such an imposition. Maybe one day it’ll all come together in a way slightly resembling good. As it stands, this is pretty brutal.

In times like these I hope I can let it all go.

I’d be hard pressed to be more grateful. It’s belief that’s my problem.  I’ve questioned, scrutinized and rationalized almost everything away from me for as long as I can remember. It’s not that I don’t believe these things happen. I refuse to accept myself as a recipient of any grand gesture. I can honestly say that I have no idea of what it entails.

I’m often caught off guard by the emergence of new characters. More so as of late, I suppose. I’ve been operating under the guise of needing to focus on stability. I’ve greatly veered off of this road, now. I fall in love with everyone a little everyday. Maybe this is my armor.

I just want it to be different. I don’t want to have to hold my breath or adhere to some bullshit neurosis. Mine or someone else’s. I don’t want to doubt anymore. I’m ready to be certain. Maybe she will be worth it. Maybe I’ll be.

My mood for the past month is utter bullshit. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I don’t do “sad” very well.  Monthly mood swings are usually met with an adherent need to punch myself in the ovaries. My current disposition however, has not faded. I feel shiftless and ineffective. My work has ground to a screeching halt and I’m exhausted all the time.

I’m not sure how long this ridiculousness will last but I hope it cuts out soon. I really need to get back to the project. I’m working on interviews for character perspectives. Or at least, I was. I have about three or so more to do before I’ll feel confident enough to proceed.

Hopefully, I’ll get my second wind soon and will be back to my old self.

Best of

This has been a week of bests. I’ve seen, heard and read some of the best things thus far. All within the last 3 days.

Literary: Finished A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood. Simply stunning. Isherwood’s ability to convey such a deep degree of melancholy in such a seemingly effortless way really inspired me.

Film: Watched the Edith Piaf biopic, La Vie En Rose. Marion Cotillard’s performance is nothing short of amazing. After watching it, I had to google Marion’s pictures because I had forgotten what she actually looked like.

TV: I’m not much of a TV person. Generally when I catch on to a show it’s really hard for me to find or has been long since cancelled. The British teen drama Skins is the ONLY show I’ve ever watched weekly, which is no easy feat, as it only airs in the UK. The most recent episode is the best example of innovative TV writing I’ve seen.

Song: After watching La Vie en Rose, I felt I had to explore more Edith Piaf. La Foule is my current favorite. I’ve added learning to speak French fluently to my to-do list.

It’s been a great week. But after all of these greats, I can’t help but think, “What the fuck am I gonna (read, watch, listen to) now?

My writing confidence is diminishing again. I know I need to keep going, but I feel like I need some professional feedback. Only one person knows about the book and I’m much too self conscious to let anyone read what I have so far.

Fuck.

Things I Love Thursday

Haven’t done enough of these. Here we go.

This sweatshirt.

California’s current incessant stormy days. A very happy change for me.

Watching documentaries on Netflix.

Watching this little button’s artistic side flourish.

Taking my sisters to Downtown Sacramento.

Adding to my art collection.

Planning for even more wonderful things.