Tried to fall asleep about an hour ago and after a few minutes, sat straight up in a panic. Trying to regain a grasp on things isn’t easy when confronted with the fact that you’ve never had a real handle on anything to begin with.
I’m told that at this point everyone’s hurting in some form or another in this economy and can’t help but wonder if it’s really about money for me at all. I’ve held two jobs in my life and kept them til I had no real choice but to move on. In my current state, I have no real mind to be particular about employment, nor have I ever really have been. What concerns me is my time.
I turn 24 in less than a month and can’t help but feel somewhat apprehensive about the idea. Many my age have so much to show for their time and effort. I have always been shiftless and reluctant to change pace and notice it more and more everyday. As I do my best to plan my jump from yet another sinking ship, I wonder how many times I’ll have to do this. Ray and I resolved that it would be best for everyone if we all lived in the same state if for no other reason than to eliminate my living situation with my mother. I am happy at the potential prospect of having a familiar face around but I’m starting to really get resentful that it seems impossible for me to live on my own. Should everyone just resign themselves to the decisions that led to the downfalls in their lives and shrug it off or should one fight against the tide?
Everything seems like such a fierce fight for survival. Quite literally, actually. All I’ve ever wanted was to just exist for a time. I see people do it everyday. Poor people with children, millionaires, single people. All moving freely through the crowd. My freedom has always been in my head, but it isn’t enough anymore. My heart is heavy and my soul actually aches. I can’t tell if I actually believe it’s going to get better anymore. That realization was the biggest blow. I have never seen what better looks like. It has always been this bad, worse at times. I’ve just exhausted my optimism to such a point that I’m actually noticing now.
All in all, there is nothing I can do but go forward. I’m out of options and have no choice but to pave a path away from yet another place. If I believed in God I would pray. I guess listening to some Joy Division until I fall asleep will have to do.
